I hope my poor sister-in-law forgives me. Since I have married her husband’s brother, her only daughter had been the recipient of the most garish knitted items in the history of the universe.

Alas, I don’t have photographic proof of all of these abominations. I guess I should say in my own defense they haven’t been all bad. Last Christmas I gave Niece E some nice toasty legwarmers made from Patons SWS. For her birthday last year I made her a felted princess hat, with the cascading tulle veil and everything. It was cute. But the Christmas before last? She got, um, a poncho made with Jiffy Thick and Quick in a very loud colorway, with a bright pink Fun Fur trim. Oy. Sorry, knitting gods.

I think this one may take the cake, though.

twirly top 1

The Twirly Top
Pattern from New Knits on the Block, designed by Jillian Moreno
Yarn: Berroco Love It! just over one ball, in opal; trim in Cotton-Ease (the new stuff) in berry, various novelty yarns
Needle: KnitPicks Options, size 9
Began: June 28
Finished: July 3
Mods: knitted in the round instead of flat, used a completely different yarn in a different gauge. I guess I used the pattern as more of a guideline than a pattern.

Sweet Jesus of Nazareth, look at this thing. It looks like some kind of hula tank top on acid. Or what a 16 year old heroin addict might wear to a rave. Or the official costume of the junior prostitutes-in-training league.

Okay, honestly, it could have been worse. This is actually the second incarnation of this top. In the first, I used Berroco Love It! color instead. The self-striping stuff? Um, yeah. After I finished most of it, I took a step back and said, “Wow. This looks like shit.”

both twirly tops

This Love It! color stuff isn’t so much self-striping as self-blobbing.

striped twirly top close

Ready everybody? One, two, three…bleeeearrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

Yeah, this one definitely would have been worse.

The funny thing is, I really liked the yarn. I guess you could even say that I, um, loved it! (That exclamation point is mandatory, by the way. Love It! not Love It. See the difference?) What I’m going to do with the self-striping stuff, I don’t know. I haven’t even frogged it yet. I originally was thinking about finishing both tops and sending them along, but then I decided that I like my sister-in-law too much. She’s a nice person, she really doesn’t deserve that.

twirly top 3

The streamer button things actually come off. There’s another button on the back, and they’re stuck through knitted buttonholes. I thought that was kind of clever. Not my idea, of course. But the whole thing can be thrown in the washer and the dryer, so that’s a boon. It would be unforgivable if I gave a seven-year-old something garish and ugly that you had to hand wash. I would have gone to knitter’s hell for that.

(Knitter’s hell involves a lot of Red Heart, intarsia, and having to frog mohair, by the way. It’s an ugly place. I don’t want to go there.)

Anyway. Happy birthday, niece E. I promise next year’s gift will be tasteful. Or, at least, more tasteful than this year’s. It would be hard to go down from here.

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